Can I ever feel safe again?

When people face persecution like this?

And to think I was toying with the idea of further tempting fate by getting some sweet Patricia Bartlett glasses. People would find sand just so they could kick it at me.

But enough of that seriousness; I am broaching the Aqua Schnapps. All thoughts of spectacles will henceforth depart, and I'll soon be getting peroxided, blow waved and bouffant. The power of Archers compels me.

Mmmm, apple with chemical aftertaste.

Just to prove I don't always moan about ads

I was just thinking how the local deity smiled upon me the other day; two unopened bottles of aqua schnapps just sitting outside the dairy in a bag. Usually its only the neighbourhood dogs who get a treat from there, but soon my flatmate and I shall be spiralling into an alcopop frenzy. In all liklihood we shall be dancing around a handbag in the middle of the room.

But while I wait for my 250ml sugar water debauch I am making use of the living room while no-one else is around. Indulging my no longer secret passion for Robin of Sherwood. I have some videos taped from TV in the 80s, and there are some commercials left in the mix. Watties Jelly fruit, the Wella Woman ad, Mark Todd & Bell Tea, Flemings Chewy Muesli bars (Chew me out of my mind...a MIGHTY snack).

If I did not love the soft focus hey nonny nonny so much I would just fast forward to the next break.

Which brings me to another great thing about living around here. I can always wander up to Robin Hood park on those foggy Dunedin days, and earnestly hope that Herne the Hunter will appear to tell me that I am the chosen one. Any day now...

Rugby, our national religion

So, whats this about John Kirwan getting a knighthood his efforts in the mental health industry? Because he was on an ad?

WTF is this channel one news bulletin about the Women's representative being a man? The people on television are so irritating - "Isn't that what university is about, being controversial?" How the hell did these people get to university?
And thanks for that extra special mention of his mans mansness, and his messy first year abode. Hard hitting. Oh well, I suppose he could organise a chocolate eating, Johnny Depp watching night as well as any woman.

I am scientician

Ahhh, that powerful fresh accord of citrus and lavender. The haunting base notes of oak moss and sandalwood. It could only be Blue Stratos, fragrance of powerful and dynamic men.

Blue Stratos is one of the famous masculine fragrances, a classic which features as a landmark FOUGERE fragrance in the industry 'bible' the H&R Genealogy of masculine fragrances.

The Fougere fragrance concept is based upon the interplay between lavender and oak moss. Originally this perfume accord was intended to serve as a contribution to feminine fragrance creations. However, over time it came to be used more and more as an ingredient in masculine creations and is acknowledged to have underwritten many key developments within masculine fragrance, including the Blue Stratos fragrance in 1976.

So maybe I don't feel sorry for giving my father those scent packs every Christmas; its really classy (unlike the altogether too bracing Old Spice). I still owe my mother big time for the Yardley English Lavender though.

The Laws files

I suppose the first sign of an unhealthy obsession may be seeing something everywhere. I fear that Michael Laws, therefore, may be my next morbid fixation. Consider: I spent the past several months diligently avoiding Dancing With The Stars. How convenient, I thought, that they grouped together all the crap people in one easy to avoid show.

Boy did I get my comeuppance last night; damn channel one and their stealth repeats. I was minding my own business while my flatmate channel surfed; and then he found the Dancing With The Stars grand final. Should that be Finale? To his eternal discredit he left it on that channel and so we were all subjected to desperate B grade celebrities tripping the light fantastic in a range of tit-bags, and otherwise unfortunate clothing. And then there was Michael Laws, wearing some ungodly polyester trousers that found his crevases and supped deep. All while that wizened gnome Jason Gunn leared his way through commentaries - he's turned into quite the lecherous uncle figure.

Actually, while on that subject, I heard a great story. I'm afraid it's one of those urban legend like friend of a friend tales, but I shall give the synopsis anyway.

Apparently the friend of a friend of mine came home from school one day and found Jason Gunn in bed with her mother. Oh the horror. While I was looking for that photo, with the unsavoury expression Rumpy Pumpy in mind, I was reminded of a few other gems, like McDonald's Young Entertainers, and our very own Ainslie Allen. She did a lovely spread in FHM didn't she?

Werther's Originals

Just another sweet in a long line to promote itself using the "traditional goodness" approach. The current advertisements show the typical nauseating anglo-saxon boy child, visiting has paedophile-like uncle who is brewing up another batch of creamy, rich goodness. The wholesomeness is palpable, and one can't help but think that Werther's are the sweet that Jesus would endorse.

Archer's aqua schnapps on the other hand, seems to be aiming for the trashy slapper market (She's never turned down an Archer's Aqua Schnapps before"). I feel like this is ushering in a new era of cosmopolitan womanhood, and anxiously await the coming of Lambrini to our as yet benighted shores.

Ladies, pay particular attention to the guides, and blokes - well, you have just been treated an exclusive insight into what women really think!

Feel the burn

If only they would sell Irn Bru at the Russell Street Dairy, no city rise resident would ever have to suffer through an agonising hangover again. How much more we would grow to love and cherish Jose, and what joy he could bring to our sad, pathetic little lives. And his own.
And then if he went into selling these....


Well, everyone's life would be complete!